They seemed nice at first.  Decent people with kids our kids ages.  We were at a similar stage in life; grinding out jobs and parenthood.  And icing on the cake…they were Christians.  What a great fit!  It wasn’t long and our lives were intertwined at school, work, mutual friendships and church.  

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27: 17

But, within a few months, my husband and I started to notice things.   Disunity within their marriage.  Problems at work.  A white lie here and there. Gossip behind the backs of mutual friends.  And, an insatiable need to be treated at as victims.  For MANY months we chalked it up as a temporary phase they were in, with high hopes that they’d come out on the other side.  As such, we overlooked these infractions within the friendship.  

As time continued, however, these little infractions piled up and the magnitude of their actions became weightier.  We eventually realized this was not just a phase. It was them. There came a point where we could no longer look past it all.  We had lost trust in the relationship and it was drowning us.  We grieved daily over their actions and the impact they had on us. They had literally become toxic to us.  

Sound familiar?  Have you ever had a friend or family member that has become toxic?  

As Christians, what are we to do?  That was the question we struggled with deeply.  For us, we looked to the Bible for an answer to this difficult situation.  What exactly was expected of us as Jesus followers?  I’d love to say we found the answer quickly.  That was not the case.  It took us months to nail down a course of action.  Once we did, it boiled down to one thing; influence.   

Let me explain.  We found that Jesus walked away when he no longer had influence.  Throughout the Bible, Jesus didn’t waste time in places he was unable to have an impact. One such example is found in Matthew 12: 13-15. Jesus entered the synagogue on the Sabbath.  While there, he healed the shriveled hand of a man.  Looking for a reason to bring charges against Him, the Pharisees questioned him about performing such a miracle on the Sabbath.  They then left to plot how they might kill Him.  Aware of this, Jesus withdrew from this place quickly.  He was keenly aware of his inability to influence these Pharisees, even in the face of a miracle!   He did not remain or attempt to reason with the Pharisees.  Instead, He promptly departed and went about His mission teaching and helping others.  My guess is that He realized His time was too precious to be wasted on those who had no intention of hearing with open hearts. He knew He would not have influence.  Likewise, we must decide what relationships to invest time by asking ourselves two questions:  

For my husband and me, answering these two questions left us with no other option than to create boundaries with this couple. We drew lines around what was and was not permissible.  Unfortunately, these boundaries meant the end of our friendship, but that did not mean we didn’t still care for them from afar.   We continue to pray for this couple and desire the best God would have for them.  But, right now, that does not include a relationship with us.   

Many of us spend too many months and years trying to change people to no avail….us included. That was the error we made with this couple.  We were deceived into thinking we could change their attitudes and actions over time in the face of hardened hearts.  I’d like to think we learned lessons from this relationship amidst the deep hurt.  We certainly learned to exercise the power of restrain and silence, even while we were hurting.  We learned to pray for those that have deeply wounded us, even when it didn’t feel good.  And, we learned to choose joy amidst the frustration of someone else’s actions.  I suppose these lessons were the silver lining. 

Over and over I’ve been told that “hurting people hurt.”  That is true.  I didn’t fully understood this play on words until recently.  Not only do hurting people hurt others, but they hurt inside as well.  There are roots to the way people behave.  Some are too deep for us to tackle.  Only God can handle those.  We must know the difference.

Often times Christians believe that walking away from toxic people equates to a failure on their part at some level.  We initially felt the same way, but this couldn’t be further from the truth.  Wisdom is knowing when to stay and when to walk away.  Sometimes walking away is the course God is calling us to out of love; releasing control to Him alone.

God calls us to discernment within our relationships.  What relationship(s) do you need exercise this sort of discernment?