I recently heard the well-known psychologist and leadership expert Dr. Henry Cloud say:

Don’t count your critics, weigh them.

Whoa.  Lightbulb moment.  As a former (and sometimes still!) people pleaser addict, criticism wrecked me.  I mean, wrecked me.  Having someone unhappy with me over something I had said or done was agony.  I would dissect and analyze it, spending hours and days rolling it over in my mind.  I’m embarrassed to admit that it has stolen precious time from me over the years.  

It was only after having run myself ragged that I realized something had to change.  After all, people would always be there to criticize me.  All you have to do is be in the world for that to happen.  Add on to that positions of leadership, and you are ripe for the picking! But, like many other areas of my life, criticism demanded discernment. I needed to make sure that I was only concerned with criticism from the right people.  Not toxic people.  Not the entitled.  Not the unGodly.  Not the selfish.  Not the controlling.  Not gaslighters.  And not the narcissist.  Did I mention not the gaslighter or the narcissist?!  They can be the most difficult to handle.

As King David once said, “Let a righteous man strike me–it is a kindness; let him rebuke me–it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it.” (Psalm 141:5)  Receiving criticism from those that I respect and that walk in integrity is worth my time. This criticism builds me up and makes me a better person.  Reflecting on the input from these peers is worth every moment of my time. It is a blessing.  

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.

Proverbs 15:31

In his book Never Go Back, Dr. Cloud states that “Once you get that it truly is impossible to please everyone, you begin to live purposefully.  You begin to play offense.  You start spending your time and energy on things that bring meaningful results, rather than on the impossible goal of making everyone else happy.”  

There is so much truth in this statement.  For me personally, being constantly concerned with pleasing those around me left me continually playing defense.  It was exhausting.  And, probably exhausting for those around me.  Once I was able to sift through the opinions of others – those that were worthwhile and those that weren’t – I was able to live deliberately and with freedom.  It released me from living as a slave subject to the happiness of those around me.

I just had a good reminder of this over the Thanksgiving week.  My sister was visiting and asked me about a close family relationship that has been fractured for years.  She mentioned a “criticism” she had heard from this person regarding my handling of the relationship.  She was not trying to stir anything in me, we were simply in conversation.  But, can I tell you, even at the mention of this person’s name, I immediately started to bristle……from head to toes.  The kind of burning sensation of frustration that required a quick mental pep talk….telling myself to pause on any response because what my flesh wanted to say would be very unkind!  This person has hurt me for years, and the wounds run deep.  

After this little exercise in self-control, I was able to calmly respond to my sister. With little hesitation, I let her know why the criticism by this family member was not welcome in my world anymore.  I identified the criticism as coming from a place of selfishness and pride on the part of this other family member, and stated that I was no longer willing to have that put on me.  I am a loving person, and this family member was the one missing out on a great relationship. And just like that, my day continued on!

Years ago, I would have been upset in the moment and in the days following the conversation.  I would have mentally rehashed everything that had happened between us over the years. It would have stolen my joy and the precious time with my family.  But, no more.  I choose to give my time to the right relationships. I choose to discern the difference between my fruitful critics versus my fruitless critics. I choose to gratefully receive the chastisement from the righteous and reject the criticism of the dishonorable. I choose freedom. 

Who are your worthwhile critics?  And, who are the critics you need to leave behind?  An enormous weight is lifted when you know the difference!