At some point or another in your life, the importance of forgiveness has probably been impressed on you.  And rightly so.  Living with unnforgiveness is poisonous to your well-being.  But, if you are anything like me, you may have grown up with a huge misconception surrounding forgiveness.  I’m going to do my best to rightly address this issue because I’ve seen so many people struggle with the same misconception. Are you ready for it?

Forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation.

In fact, not only are they not the same, but they require very different things.  Let’s begin by defining each.  

Forgiveness. For starters, forgiveness involves just one person. You. It is not a feeling. It does not require an apology. It is not forgetting. It is not ignoring, And, it’s certainly not excusing.  It is an intentional decision by you alone to lay down your pain at the foot of the cross, entrusting it entirely to God and relinquishing all control over the situation.  

Reconciliation. Reconciliation, on the other hand, demands two people.  It requires a genuine repentance from the offender evidenced by an about-face change in behavior in an effort to rebuild trust within the relationship.  Once that has happened, a concerted effort by both parties is needed to rebuild the relationship, and more likely than not, will require boundaries. 

Okay, can we just stop right here for a second.  Did you notice that last word in the previous paragraph? Boundaries!  Yes! They generally go hand and hand with the reconciliation process for the person that was hurt.  For far too long, I did not have the Biblical confidence to say that boundaries were okay. Because after all, we are supposed to looooooove others well, right? And by placing a boundary I might upset the person, right? Wrong. Loving others does not stipulate an absence of boundaries. 

Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Colossians 3:13

How did I not know this until just recently?  Like, really not know this.  I have kids.  It is clear as day to me that loving them well includes giving them boundaries. No question in my mind about it.  Likewise, one of the first things God did in the Garden of Eden at the start of humanity was to create a boundary surrounding the tree of knowledge (Genesis 2:16-17).  

With all of that in mind, and the mental maze I’ve personally had to navigate surrounding forgiveness, I’ve since spent countless hours evaluating exactly what it is that God requires of us.  Is it forgiveness? Reconciliation? Both? Or none at all?  I want to have done this right. 

Here is what I’ve learned.  God requires forgiveness (Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:12).  

Here is what I’ve also learned.  God does not require reconciliation. Ideally, reconciliation would be the preferred result.  As a parent, God desires for his kids to be in good relationship.  Yet, He is keenly aware that reconciliation takes two.  Restoration can be a very powerful thing, but apart from genuine repentance from the offender and a willingness to rebuild trust, there is no room for reconciliation.  And that is okay. It is in this place that you are simply called to forgiveness. Some of you need to hear this. 

You are not a failure in your faith if reconciliation is not possible. 

The distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation has been quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve had to untangle.  So, I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned along this journey in hopes that it will help you in your walk. 

1. There is no peace or freedom found in forgiveness if it is contingent on an apology.  Waiting for an acknowledgement of wrongdoing may sometimes never come.  
2. You cannot force someone to take ownership for their actions or desire to restore a relationship. When this is the case, the wisest thing you can do is forgive, walk away and give it to God in prayer.  This requires surrendering your right to punish the person for the hurt they’ve caused you (Romans 12:17-19).
3. Forgiveness is a provision from God that allows us to heal on the inside.  It is trusting God’s system of justice, knowing that you reap what you sow. Galatians 6:7
4. Can you forgive someone and never talk to them again? Yep. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation when there is no acknowledgement of injury (Titus 3:10-11). It signals to the other person that you see their actions for what they are and will no longer allow them to wreak havoc in your life.  It means you don’t accept their bad behavior.  It means you care enough about yourself to live in peace.  It means you will stop trying to force someone to care about the impact of their actions when they don’t.  And it means that you value what God has called you to be; enough to walk away from a toxic person.  
5. Stop trying to fix other people.  Why do we do this?  Like routinely.  Another person’s actions are not within our control, as much as we’d like them to be.  Healthy expectations you may have for a person are useless if that person could care less. It will become exhausting. Only the Holy Spirit can work in the hearts of the unhealthy.  
6. It is fairly easy to forgive a person that has hurt you if they acknowledged and repent for what they’ve done.  But, here’s what I’ve learned.  Some people never acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong.  In fact, for some, they are so oblivious that if they had the chance to do it again they’d probably do it the same!  
7. There tend to be two phases to forgiveness.  The first is forgiving the facts of what happened.  Check. This can be a fairly quick process.  The longer phase of forgiveness is learning how to walk through the impact of the injury.  This can take weeks, months and sometimes years! The depth of hurt will dictate the length of the healing process.
8. You will need another human being to bear witness to the pain of your hurt when you are working to forgive someone where reconciliation is not possible.
9. Finally, when we think about reconciliation, it helps to look at the system God has set up for us to be reconciled to Him.  God first requires acknowledgement, then repentance and finally a turning away from our sins. All in the name of Jesus.

I’m just going to say it.  Some people were unhealthy yesterday, are unhealthy today, and will be tomorrow. I can relate to the disappointment embedded within that statement, especially if the “who” was a large part of your life at one time. But, you cannot wait on those people in order to stay the best healthy and whole version of yourself.  

Your future belongs to you! Don’t reduce your life to the hurts you’ve experienced.  Love yourself enough to give forgiveness away freely, yet also know when it is time to release a person to God for restoration.